i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
