Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His hands were made for my vagina.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
