Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
