Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Come on in and take your pants off
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