I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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