I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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