genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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