u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
