I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
