I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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