I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dude i'm inner monologue high
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
