I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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