Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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