Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
