I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
