He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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