There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
