Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
