if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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