Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.