Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
