i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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