Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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