My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
