My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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