They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
