My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
