Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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