just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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