mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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