who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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