peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
