I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
