i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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