Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
