Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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