rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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