There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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