You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
