How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
