you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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