Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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