it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
