If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
