I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
