maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
