Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
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