I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.