cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
