I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
