Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Someone came in the potted fern
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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