Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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