Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
