Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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