My girlfriend figured out who you are.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
