My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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