WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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