Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
