I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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