I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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