he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
